Recently The Pitt Season 2 had their final episode last Thursday/Friday and one of the ongoing themes was passive suicidal ideation. I really appreciated how it was displayed especially as it pertains to male mental health, and a fair number of elements struck close to home for me.
I had initially wanted to do a short phone video to post on Instagram but it’s probably too sensitive of a topic for Instagram’s filters, so blog post it is!
As a disclaimer: I would say my current environment is probably the best that it’s ever been in my whole life, but there are still nonetheless improvements to be made. It’s safe to assume that I’m mentally healthy enough not to do anything silly.
What does passive suicidal ideation look like for me?
The best way I can describe it is an ever-so-persistent feeling of “If there was a button that could erase my existence and any memory or trace of it, I’d press it” and there’s some nuances to clarify here.
The convenience of a button.
Most (if not all) suicides come from a prolonged feeling of emotional distress so extreme that it forces the individual to persist in an activity that’ll take their life. Obviously some suicide methods are much more easier and convenient than others – thank goodness here in Australia it’s not normal to have a gun that I could conveniently just blow my brains out with.
I would say, twice in my life, have I tried to embark on such activities, but have never been brave enough to take the plunge, so to speak. It was just too inconvenient. And I would overthink what would happen next long enough for me to step back.
Erasing one’s existence as opposed to just death.
If one offs themselves, there would be a funeral, there would be an eulogy, people would tell stories and share memories, and it would take a while before knowledge of my existence would disappear from peoples’ memories.
And wanting to erase these things is most likely a reflection of me not being to internalise the things I do being good things, so to speak. I can certainly write down a long giant list of how I’ve helped others, but I don’t like talking about it, nor do I feel any sense of pride or fulfillment in it. In my mind they’re just “the right things to do”.
How persistent is it?
It’s always in the back of my head. Right now while my current life situation is good, it’s pretty quiet and ignorable otherwise. But if life was bad, or I was stressed out, then that thought would be ringing much louder in my head.
It’s similar to the overall pattern of people having depression when it’s more realistically “Shit Life Syndrome” (to coin a term from HealthyGG), except that I would say compared to a normal person I feel these things much more strongly (thanks, autism!).
So what am I doing about it?
My current answer is “Keep working towards a good life such that there’s enough in life to keep my brain distracted from the nasty little voices in my head.”
My work environment is the best version of work environments I could have had right now: I’m at a quiet campus, I share an office with one other, my supervisors and immediate colleagues are all well-meaning and genuine people. The work itself feels meaningful and I feel able and empowered to do things and encourage others to make the world better.
Life at home is also similarly quiet, but it is a sharehouse with the landlady and two other relatively quiet male housemates whose schedules and habits are easy to work with. In comparison to my apartment back in Melbourne, the biggest thing I miss is having lots more space to myself to indulge in my hobbies and to collect books and various toys.
That said, I cannot deny that I would like to be in a place where there’s a person or pet welcoming me back home, and I’m able to host some kind of regular event where a bunch of people just get together and have a good time. I’d have a kitchen with a whole bunch of equipment and I’d be able to further indulge in various cooking experience.
Relationships in general are still lacking but I’m making slow progress. Would love to have a partner, but I’m older than a typical PhD student, and. Finding people to regularly hang out with also feels a bit weird/odd, but things are happening. My brain still seizes up mentally when I consider going to any kind of “general” organised event where I have to meet a bunch of new people for the first time, and a lot of dating meetups are basically “Let’s get a bunch of people together at a bar and get them to talk to each other” which is basically terrible for my hearing loss.
BUT! I have managed to spy occasional one-off workshops and such events that’s focused on doing something, and I’m hoping to at least get a bit more comfortable talking with new and random people at those.
For what it’s worth, given the state of the world right now, I’m perhaps naively optimistic we’ll get to a point where things will be good and quiet again. But it’s also because I remember how peaceful it was back then before the internet came, and in some sense a lot of the local community here where I am seem to encapsulates that kind of innocent isolated life.
But I can’t deny if there was a giant enough setback in my life that left me in a desolate-enough state, I’d be eagerly reaching out for that button. Let’s hope by then I’ll have earned enough external support to get through that!
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